Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Choosing a Different Path

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I struggle.

I struggle every day, with discontentment in my heart.

These last few days in particular.

I compare myself, my home (especially my home) and my relationships with those that seem to have it all. It's so easy to do, with so many doors wide open to all the beautiful spaces and people in blogland. I don't have it all together. I'm so far from it, I feel like a fraud most days.

But today, I'm giving myself the ok to get over it. A swift kick actually. Telling myself to knock it off. To not think in terms of five years from now, or in my next house, or when I reach this goal or that goal. To not worry about tomorrow and just focus on today. Today is all we really have.

Today I'm going to see the day the way God wants me to. To be here. To be present in my mind, not just my body. To love fully. To see beauty in everything. Yes, even the spilled cereal all over the carpet. I'm choosing to see instead the cooperation that came in the form of 6 little hands picking it up. Together. I will be quick to think and slow to anger.

I'm going to print out Philipians 4:8 and memorize it.

I'm going to play even before my work is done. Have I ever really done that? I'm going to sit on the bed and snuggle one child at a time, reading them a book. Knowing that there is laundry to be folded. Stitching to be done. Closets to clean out. And floors to be scrubbed.

And then tomorrow, I will get up and do it all over again.

9 comments:

Jessica said...

You know, I think all of us mamas with a kindred heart struggle with that, definitely more than people talk about. I, too, have a hard time getting down on the floor and playing until I feel like my to do's are crossed out. It's definitely a juggling act.

This past weekend I let the laundry pile up (you know that's big for me! HA!) and left dishes in the sink and a whole bunch of other nonsense and just sat on the floor and played with Grace and her little dolls for a solid couple of hours while Hudson napped. I'd be lying if I said I didn't think of all the things I had to do, but truth is seeing how happy she was made the hugest (sp?) difference. Undivided mama attention, no little brother to steal her toys, no phone calls, no doing 2 things at one time, no rushing.

I know the years are fleeting and one day I'll long for that time back when they were little...not whether my house was sparkling clean. But it.is.a.struggle. A constant tug of war for me.

As I was reading about Edie (life in grace) and her house tragedy, I kept thinking...there's no way I'd be able to handle that with such grace. We never know what's around the corner...I keep reminding myself of that and purposely working on living in the moment.

I know I told you before but when I visited you last May, the overwhelming feeling I felt in your home was simply LOVE. You are such a nurturer and such a beautiful person inside and out. Yes, we fall short sometimes, but one look at your sweet kids and family and anyone can see the amazing job you're doing as a mama.

((Hugs my friend))
Jess

Sarah said...

I agree, Jessica, Angel has always been sweet inside and out. And her home is FULL of love! :)

Krista said...

It is so hard to do. I understand fully what you are saying. It seems like the expectations are so high we can never keep up. But, like you said, some of them are internal expectations. To me, you have it all together. Those are some lucky kids you have and you are doing a great job!

Nancy said...

You are an extraordinary young woman with Godly gifts and talents evident to all who know you. That sweet man you married was Divine Intervention at it's very best and he is a wonderful provider, husband, and phenomenal father.
This world and all it's snares can keep our eyes unfocused on the gratitude with which to honor God
each day.
2Peter 1:3 is a favorite of mine.

Amber said...

Thank you so much for this post, Angel. Also to Jessica for your comments! This is EXACTLY how I have been feeling lately! I have been so hard on myself and daily look at what I would love to do differently to my house, wardrobe adn me as a mom & wife. I too seem to always compare what I don't have with what others seem to have. If only would could really live a day in other's shoes! I am planning on re-doing some things to my house...but only for my satisfaction! And yes, the dust bunnies will wait (even though they do nag us)! You are a great mother, wife, housekeeper, designer/crafter and friend!!! Now I think we should plan a weekend together with all the girls so we can keep ignoring all the dust, dishes and clutter :)

Young Adventures... said...

Angel thanks so much for posting this! I think we all struggle with this in some form or other from day to day. It's nice to know that our "sisters" are also in the same boat. You are a wonderful wife, mother, daughter, friend and artist. Thanks for sharing your struggles. I hope that everyday you see a little bit of God's beauty in your life, despite the dirty dishes. :)

Nancy B. said...

{HUGS!!! sweet blog friend} The beautiful thing is He loves us just the way we are! You are loved!

Deb said...

I think this may be my first time commenting, but I really love your blog. And the way you felt the other day is the way I feel from time to time as well. It's so hard being a mother to young kids. We have so many pressures on us...some real, and others we put on ourselves to try to be what we think we should/need to be. I know I don't know you, but my guess would be that you are the perfect Mom for your kids, and that your house is a warm and lovely place. Hugs from Florida!

Angel said...

Wow, you all are so sweet. Thank you for all the gracious comments. And especially to Deb for commenting the first time. I love hearing from all of you. :)